Kaitlin Bennett, best known for open carrying a rifle on the campus of Kent State University and spouting ill-informed and irrelevant opinions to “own the libs,” was found dead at the young age of 27.
Neighbors requested a police welfare check when they smelled a terrible fecal odor coming from Ms. Bennett’s trailer. Crime scene investigators donning full protective equipment discovered her contorted body on the kitchen floor, covered with her own leavings. Due to the terrible smell, after the body was removed, the trailer that she lived in with her seven guns was incinerated.
Dr. Albert Robbins performed the autopsy and spoke with Art Tubolls about his findings.
“Right away I was able to determine that she most likely suffered a fatal case of explosive diarrhea. We ran a tox screen and it came out clean. CSI Nick Stokes determined that there were no signs of forced entry into the deceased’s trailer. I decided to examine her stomach contents and found a partially digested burrito and a trace amount of tequila.
Clearly, Ms. Bennett wasn’t able to handle that type of food and she had a fatal reaction. I have determined her cause of death to be ingestion of non-American food.”
Ms. Bennett’s teenage neighbors were especially distraught. Joe Barron spoke with Art Tubolls, fighting tears over her untimely death.
“Her 15 minutes was almost up and we knew that the next part of her life would lead to shooting stag films. You could see the signs already that it was about to happen. We’ve been robbed. It’s not fair dammit! It’s just not fair!”
Kaitlin Bennett, the world won’t be the same without you. Rest in peace.
