Candace Owens, the well-spoken young Republican woman who took the Republican party by storm with her incredibly articulate manner of expressing herself, is lost, along with six other people. Owens was a guest on a charter boat that hasn’t reported in. Logs showed the vessel was overdue by 20 hours when the Coast Guard went to the last known location of its GPS beacon.

They found nothing. According to Coast Guard Caprian Joe Barron, the boat may have just lost power and veered off-course, which is common. “There’s been no distress signal, no weather issues, and we’re not in some anomalous position between Florida, Cuba, and Bermuda. She might just show up.”

The Cutter Sandra Batt will continue to search, along with a compliment of helicopters, jet skis, and underwater drones. “Enhanced detection from space isn’t out of the question,” said Art Tubolls, Director of Missing Persons at NASA, “we’ve found smaller people before.”

According to records, the ship was scheduled for a short trip and included Owens, her current boyfriend, Professor Joe Konders, famous wealthy chef Angus McDougal and his lovely wife, and possibly Morena Baccarin on vacation with a secret gay lover nobody has ever heard of. The tiny ship was captained by a portly man named Bill and his dog, Gilligan.

Pray for her safe return, patriots. We can’t afford to lose one.


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