Conservativetears.com is a subsidiary of the “America’s Last Line of Defense” network of parody, satire, and tomfoolery, or as Snopes called it before they lost their war on satire: Junk News
Before you complain and decide satire is synonymous with “comedy”:
sat·ire ˈsaˌtī(ə)r noun: The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, OR ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
Everything on this website is fiction. It is not a lie and it is not fake news because it is not real. If you believe that it is real, you should have your head examined. Any similarities between this site’s pure fantasy and actual people, places, and events are purely coincidental and all images should be considered altered and satirical. See above if you’re still having an issue with that satire thing.
“Taters” are the conservative fans of America’s Last Line of Defense. They are fragile, frightened, mostly older caucasian Americans. They believe nearly anything. While we go out of our way to educate them that not everything they agree with is true, they are still old, typically ignorant, and again — very afraid of everything.
Our mission is to do our best to show them the light, through shame if necessary, and to have a good time doing it, because…old and afraid or not, these people are responsible for the patriarchy we’re railing so hard against. They don’t understand logic and they couldn’t care less about reason. Facts are irrelevant. BUT…they do understand shame.
About the Tater Lottery
It has been widely reported that America’s Last Line of Defense is an evil machine of fake news for profit, run by unconscionable monsters. Typically those reports come from Ivory Tower douchebags with hyperbolic headlines to sell on websites covered in ads…for profit.
The reality is, we do this for free 98 percent of the time. Every so often, something catches on and goes viral, and whoever wrote it wins what we call “The Tater Lottery.” All of our writers have real lives and jobs. Nobody is making a living from fooling the masses. We rarely go beyond the organic reach of our page, which was built and marketed to the Tater demographic.
*UPDATE – August 2019* In the interest of transparency, and because I love to point out why Newsguard is stupid, I feel I must include the current state of affairs:
Having made every change requested by the fact-checkers and being sure we’re in full compliance with Facebook’s terms of service, the taters have returned, in force, just like I said they would. They are more clueless, angry, and taterlicious than ever.
As of now, I absolutely can make a living from this. A nice living, actually. With trips and a Halloween shed. And very little stress. You’d be surprised how little stress there is when they just keep proving me right.
Anyway, Newsguard, this and all of my sites are financed solely by me and the revenue all goes directly to me. Writers and Lottery winners are compensated by me, at my discretion.
About Fake News
Call it whatever you like. Just don’t call it something it isn’t. Don’t email us asking for a “source.” Don’t inform us that our stories aren’t true. We have so many disclaimers now that the disclaimers are satirical. We make sure the words “satire” or “fiction” appear in EVERY category BEFORE the story. Twice.
If you can seriously read this stuff and think it can be passed off as real to reasonable people, you need to go out, right now, and buy a sense of humor and a clue.
Keep your poutrage to yourself. I sleep just fine.
~Christopher Blair, AKA Busta Troll