Henry Kissinger Dies at 99


Secretary of State is an important job, as current position holder Antony Blinkin could tell you.  The news of Old Soldier and stalwart protector of the people, Henry Kissinger passing away puts him in a melancholy mood.

“Hank was a decent man.  I mean, having that rank under Richard Nixon and then Gerald Ford, you’d have to have some real chutzpah.   Well, I mean, he didn’t.  Because, you know, ‘sieg heil’ and all that.”

Henry (Heinz Alfred) Kissinger was born in Germany way back in 1923 to alcoholic parents who worked in travelling bee circuses.

After completing school and serving his country as a Judenschmutser, or “Jew-dancer” during the second world war, Kissinger emigrated to America in the late forties to avoid war crimes trials for his interpretations of the Charleston.

Chosen as Secretary of State by then American President Richard Nixon because of his funny accent and Muppet eyebrows, Kissinger was beloved by some for negotiating an exit from the Vietnamese conflict, convincing the pesky Asians to rub our backs with their feet.

Hold on, time out – Is he seriously 99 years old? Overruled!

Wearing many hats during his life, the Republican Rammstein wrote books, gave speeches, and visited dozens of foreign countries before retiring at home in Sandy Batt’s Queef, New Mexico, where he enjoyed collecting human sputum and shitting into empty shampoo bottles.

According to friends and family members, Kissinger will be held in state for sixty days, and then filled with David Hasselhoff CD’s and exploded, as is the German custom.