OJ Simpson Dead At 80

Orenthal James Simpson III, otherwise known as “OJ,” died in his sleep. He was 80. According to the LA County Medical Examiner, the cause of death could not be determined, but foul play hasn’t been ruled out. Simpson fell ill and within a month, he was just…gone.

OJ was seen in public as recently as last week when he stopped to sign some autographs at a local mall. He was known to happily agree to sign “I didn’t do it, Love OJ” for $40, and is said to have carried his own Sharpie.

No fewer than 14 people have come forward to claim they received OJ’s deathbed confession, though none of them seem very credible. As for an actual deathbed confession, OJ’s good friend, Joe Barron, says he spilled the whole thing:

“Of course he did it. Was there really ever any question? He sold that story like 5 years ago. The tell-all book is set to hit the stands as soon as he dies. It won’t be long before the whole world knows the whole story.”

The whole story, according to Tubolls, will be worthy of at least three movies and a Netflix series. “We’re hoping to get Morgan Freeman to play OJ,” he said enthusiastically, “We think he has the voice.”

Whenever a sad story has a happy ending and a cool Netflix show, things tend to work out just fine. Looks like Karma finally came for OJ.

About Flagg Eagleton 62 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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