Mike Ditka, First Coach to Bench Kaepernick, Dead at 83

Now isn’t the time for sadness. Mike Ditka wouldn’t want that. As much as he was a Bear, Ditka was a Viking at heart, descended from Bjorn Ironside and raised on the teet of a shieldmaiden.

Alas, that man, that legend, that coach that benched Kaepernick when the little turd refused to stand for the pledge, is gone. Mike Ditka, born Mikaela Dothrothbitka, was pronounced dead at his home this morning. He was 83.

According to the medical examiner, Ditka died of natural causes, but she’ll have to report it to the local authorities as a Covid death if she wants her salary next month.

Ditka’s family says they’re happy he went peacefully, and that they have no idea if he was happy at the end, since he shut everyone out in favor of Q.

Members of Q have said they believe Ditka may fake his own death and come back as George Clooney to play JFK in a reboot of JFK.

Ditka will be buried at sea off the coast of Norway with his Lombardi Trophy. Jim McMahon is said to have volunteered to throw flaming footballs at the funeral boat as it sails from the harbor. Hopefully, there’s a plan B.

It’s a sad day, patriots. But be happy. Ditka will soon be in Valhalla eating pork rinds with the Fridge and Walter Payton.

God bless America.


About Flagg Eagleton 62 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.