This just in and breaking goddamn news. Police frigging cars are, right this moment, in a strange oval circle around the perimeter of the actual domicile where Tucker Carlson, Fox News’s number one breath of fresh fish lives. Flashing lights and sirens are everywhere.
For a more in-depth report, we’re switching you now, live, to our reporter on the scene, Sandy Batt, who is pooping her britches with extreme worry approximately every fifteen or twenty seconds.
“Fallis, It’s absolute mayhem here at the Carlson residence as police are now slowly exiting their vehicles and creeping towards the front door to the home itself. Many of them are unholstering their weapons. One in particular appears to be chewing on an extra spicy mustard-flavored Slim Jim.”
We asked Batt to move in and try to get a glimpse of the precious cargo, Carlson himself, or, failing that, a hideous family member.
“Fal, there just isn’t much farther I can go. The police have now formed a small line in front of the entrance, using their nightsticks as barriers. Several have already entered the building and loud moans and gyrating noises can be heard from inside.”
From former reports and people in nearby buildings watching through Fisher-price binoculars, conjecture runs the gamut about what’s happening inside. It could be anything from a cop gangbang orgy to a family game night featuring Twister.
According to neighbor Jon Guluv, Carlson has more than a few odd predelictions under his belt that could somehow explain the racket.
“He walks around the neighborhood collecting apple cores and broken electric toothbrushes from people’s garbage and then he makes them into dildoes. Sells ’em pretty cheap. Hey, if you got a minute, stop in and I’ll show you how to use one.”
Nope, Nope, just came in that it is indeed a cop gangbang orgy. Carson’s television program will air tonight at 9 p.m.