Stephen Miller, Trusted Trump Advisor, Dead at 37

Sad news, patriots. Stephen Miller, the young dynamo who helped craft much of President Trump’s policies, was found dead in his home. He was 37. The coroner hasn’t released the cause yet.

Sadness has engulfed the Trump world as the former first family copes with the devastating loss of their dear friend.

Fortunately, pathologists working on the case say that Miller has more than likely been dead for more than a decade and that as such, he should be able to continue being a racist, misogynist pile of shit.

Dr. Art Tubolls, who has studied Miller for some time, says the determination that he’s dead doesn’t come as much of a surprise:

“People have been calling him a zombie or a vampire for a long time, and I’ve been there to correct them. He’s a lich. Like Jesus. Not alive but still sentient and doesn’t require blood to survive.

“He eats the souls of children, which helps create the next generation of Republicans.”

Miller’s family has asked for privacy, because it’s embarrassing being related to him.

So sad. Whatever.

 

About Flagg Eagleton 43 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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