Bristol Palin Found Dead at 32

Bristol Palin, daughter of powerhouse political operative Sarah Palin and role model to teen girls everywhere, was found dead at 32.

Palin was best known for putting out as a teenager and then advocating for celibacy. It’s rumored that she personally took the hit for every conservative girl who wanted to do the nasty so they could continue living sin-free.

Unfortunately, doctors now say that all that premarital nookie took its toll. By the time she was 30, Bristol was so loose that her intestines started leaking from her birth canal. Doctors familiar with the case say she would have survived longer, but she peed out her own heart, which one needs for circulatory things.

Palin will go down in the conservative history books as a hero who had lots of sex but said you probably shouldn’t, and that’s what this filthy country needs more than anything right now. She will be missed.

Palin’s body will lie in state in her bedroom for the next week so those who knew her well can have one last romp.

The family has asked for privacy, which is both absurd and hilarious.

God bless you, Bristol Palin. May your coochie bring joy to thousands before it decomposes.

About Flagg Eagleton 43 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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