Brian Kilmeade, 57, Loses Life in Shocking Shooting Incident


Fox and Friends host Brian Kilmeade wasn’t the most prolific or hard-thinking of the network’s stable of pundits.  He was, however, the most likely to be confused by a spoon.

“Women are everywhere. We’re letting them play golf and tennis now. It’s out of control.” – Brian Kilmeade.

The 57-year old fraternity brother, father somehow, pretend author, and news-opining personality was tragically killed this Monday when an active shooter entered the Fox News studio and opened fire, fatally wounding the thin mentally-challenged talker in his buttocks, immediately destroying brain activity.

“I’m not really deep enough to have enough to think about for fifteen minutes.” – Brian Kilmeade.

The shooter was later identified as network cameraman Joe Barron, who had worked on the program for several years.  He gave a brief statement to police before he was taken to a nearby holding center.

“I just couldn’t take him any more, you know?  He’s just so God-awful bowel-squishingly stupid on a daily basis that I became obsessed with removing him from the air.  I mean, Doocey is supposed to be the cardboard mouthpiece, and they throw a random milf with a scarf around her ass in the middle for the codger boners.  But what purpose could his Corky ass possibly serve?”

Kilmeade is survived by his handicapped son, Kanker.

“My belief is that sports in school is not an extracurricular activity.” – Brian Kilmeade

Police investigators have the suspect in custody and are determining if his motive may or may not constitute legal justification for the slaying.  Most importantly, the gun used in the rampage suffered no damage, and is finding a large amount of emotional and monetary support from Fox News’s charitable audience.

While it seems a devastating tragic loss, let us not forget that the above quotes are all absolutely authentic.  So we should ask ourselves: have we, humanity, lost a generic talking head with nothing new to say ever?  Or has God Himself gained a new enema bag?  Amen.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.