Clinton in Critical Condition in New Jersey After Speech


It was supposed to be just another average speaking appearance at Hikita Labs in Trenton, New Jersey.  It ended in tragedy, violence, and more than a little science-danger.

Which is how it also ends for any woman in the same room with a shirtless Mike Lindell.

Appearing yesterday before laboratory scientists and assistants employed by rock star physicist and brain surgeon Buckaroo Banzai to talk up the release of Banzai’s newest technological boon “The Oscillation Ovithruster”, the former First lady and Secretary of State was noted missing from an afterevent, following the main ceremony.

Head of security and newest Hong Kong Cavalier Joe “Sexy Texas” Barron found a severely injured Mrs. Clinton outside of the facility proper, seemingly physically enmeshed molecularly with a mountainside outcropping.

“What we believe happened, was that Mrs. Clinton wandered outside, possibly to have a smoke or murder someone randomly, when she came upon Buckaroo’s rocket car, fitted with the first beta version of the ovithruster.  This device is intended to slip the molecules of the car through the space between other molecules, allowing it to seemingly travel through solid objects.”

“The beta version, however, lacks the necessary power input feed, and we believe that the Presidential candidate activated it mistakenly, rendering herself ‘fused’, so to speak, with the matter of the mountain itself.  Doctors are working around the clock.”

The accident went unnoticed for crucial minutes due to a sudden attack and attempted theft by alien ‘Lectroids’ from an otherdimensional Planet Ten.  Banzai and his Cavaliers foiled the threat by issuing every attendee at the event courderoy pants, and utilizing the resulting static electricity to hyper-ionize the invaders, returning them to whence they came.

Mostly the waiting room at Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Area 51 sex dungeon.

Staff at Her Lady of the Immaculate Queef medical center in nearby Stinktown believe the key to extracting the Email bleach-fail from her tense condition is the use of, ironically, photos of Donald Trump’s micro penis, which is said to have had great success in separating women from anything near it.

We can only pray for Mrs. Clinton and hope for the best.  After all, no matter where she might go – There she is.

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