Trump’s Attorney Sidney “The Kraken” Powell Dead at Age 69

The Kraken is dead!

Shocking news has arrived this morning from the spokesman for Sidney Powell. The intrepid attorney who fought against the Deep State and Hugo Chavez has died at age 69.

Famous for spouting whackadoo conspiracy theories and wearing a cheap leopard print sweater at a news conference, Powell was found dead at her home. When twice-impeached, one-term former president Donald Trump was informed of her death shortly before it was announced to the public, he said, “Did she die at sea? Is she really the Kraken? Where’s Hillary in all of this?”

Fellow whackadoo attorney Lin Wood found Powell dead at her home this morning when he arrived to get high and come up with even more ridiculous conspiracy theories about the November 2020 election. He said through tears outside Powell’s home, “We thought we had finally come up with something that even the most indoctrinated cult members would scoff at when we said that Hugo Chavez had interfered with the 2020 election. He’s been dead since 2013! But no, they believed it all. We’re pretty good at this. Make that, we WERE pretty good at this.”

Powell’s estranged daughter issued a statement: “I haven’t spoken to my mother since she went off the rails and became a Cult 45 Kool-Aid guzzling nut job. She used to be kind of OK, except for her taste in sweaters and the people she associates with and her willingness to spread crazy conspiracy theories and her desire to poop on the Constitution. I’m sure someone will blame her sudden death on Hillary Clinton. That’ll be funny.”

Sandy Batt, the coroner from Dumbf*ckistan, North Carolina, announced Powell’s cause of death: she choked to death on her own bullsh*t. There’s a moral in this story, patriots. It’s up to you to figure out what happens when crazy people elbow their way into the news.

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