In a shocking announcement, My Pillow guy Mike Lindell’s spokesman said he has been found dead at his home in Minnesota. Lindell, who was divorced twice, leaves behind at least one child that he knows about.
That kid gets nothing, though, and Lindell’s entire billion-dollar fortune has been left to twice-impeached former president Donald J. Trump’s super PAC, Bring America Back Greater.
A well-known maker of uncomfortable pillows, Lindell was reportedly found naked from the waist down with a red necktie around his neck, a cardboard cutout of Trump next to him in bed, and a laptop computer pointed to a website called AutoExoticFixiationForDummies.com.
We’re not saying that he was corraling the tadpoles to a picture of Trump while strangling himself with a cheap, made-in-China red Trump tie, but we’re not NOT saying that either.
Patriots across the country are distraught at the news that their chief conspiracy theorist and bullsh*t peddler has croaked, at his own hand — literally, if not intentionally.
“Now who will keep saying that Trump really did win? And that he’ll be back in office in, um, August, I think it is?” wailed Art Tubolls, age 92, as he clutched his poorly made pillow and navigated his Rascal scooter through the unmasked throngs gathered outside Lindell’s Minnesota home to pay homage to their mustachioed hero.
A former crack cocaine addict and alcoholic, Mike Lindell found Jesus and got a laminated get-out-jail-free card from his minister, allowing him the moral latitude he needed to lie, lie some more, make some crazy-ass claims about non-existent voter fraud, tell some more lies, then claim to be forgiven because that’s what good christains do.
However, that all came to an end when he obviously didn’t follow directions on the website. Poor Mike. He milked the dog just about as well as he made pillows.