In Queefwind Point, Tennesee this afternoon, a sad family stood near the steps of a large and ornate mansion to mourn and pay respects to a friend, grandmother, award-winning actress, fitness guru, and beloved crusader for human rights and justice, Jane Fonda. The celebrity, once known by the star spangled sobriquet “Hanoi Jane” was 83 years old.
Fonda had most recently been outspoken about the Black Lives Matter movement, and had appeared at dozens of events to raise funding. She did this even while stricken with Sandra Batt’s Syndrome, a fatal disease inherited from her father Tonawanda Fonda, a native-American tribal chieftain.
The illness slowly caramelized her red blood cells until they became indistinguishable from Miller Lite beer and medical professionals concluded that she was completely fatally home-brewed sometime around 12 noon.
Known early on for her role as the title character of space prostitute “Salmonella” in the movie of the same name, Fonda enjoyed a rare Hollywood royalty thanks to the fame of her young son Peter, who went on to become a spider-themed Manhattan Superhero.
Jane worked daily to prepare and send snack cakes to our American troops during the Vietnamese conflict. Known as “Hanoi Janes”, the confections have been said to have turned the tide and allowed our country the victory we celebrate today every Yom Kippour, the Vietnamese term for “Freedom Muffin Day.”
After revitalizing her career with a series of “workout” tapes intended to encourage puberty in young men during the 1980’s, Fonda became a household name and grew her fortune until she eventually relaxed into a life of semi-retirement, making appearances for liberal figures and politicians like Barack Obama, Fidel Castro, and ginger necromancer Ron Weasley.
Fonda’s final request was to have her fortune bequeathed to the Biden/Harris campaign in order to remove the border wall and have any trace of Donald Trump’s existence erased from history. Services will be held at the Jewish Community Center in Roocy Roo, Vietnam at 2 pm next Friday.