Jacob Angeli, the Horned Capitol Rioter, Dies in Jail

He should have gotten his special diet!

Add another death to the toll of the insurrection at the Capitol Building on January 6. Jacob Angeli, the rioter wearing face paint, horns, and some sort of pelt, has died in prison.

The delicate little snowflake that he was, he passed away from starvation and dehydration after refusing to eat the regular food at the jail. It wasn’t organic, you see, and his sensitive system would have been destroyed by that chemical-laden food served in the cafeteria. So he refused to eat.

His doting mother tried to deliver handmade bowls of quinoa and artisan tempeh to him, but the guards laughed their asses off at her and said her piece of sh*t traitor son could eat the food that the other inmates ate, or he could starve to death. No special privileges, they said, for seditious jerks who deserve to rot alone in prison.

Sandy Batt, a spokesperson for the jail where Angeli was being held, said, “This snowflake — sorry, this inmate — seemed to think that storming the Capitol Building and trying to overturn a legitimate election and getting arrested for it entitled him to a special, very crunchy diet. We, um, don’t do that here. You do the crime, you eat the crappy food. That’s how it works in America.”

There was some speculation that his supremely pure temple of a body had gone into septic shock after he accidentally ate one leaf of conventionally farmed kale, but the real cause of death was confirmed in an autopsy. He died of starvation and dehydration.

He was offered plenty of water, but he cried for his mommy so much that his tears drained his entire system of fluids. And he croaked.

Isn’t that sad?

Nah. Not really. This is America. We don’t mourn dead traitors. We mock them.

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