Beloved Sheriff David Clarke Dies at age 64

What a tragedy!

As if 2020 hasn’t been awful enough, it just got worse with the news that beloved former Milwaukee County Sheriff David Clarke has died at the age of 64. His unexpected death left his hometown reeling in grief.

The good news that has arisen from his tragedy: Sheriff Clarke left his entire fortune to Trump’s re-election campaign. Yes, patriots, dry those tears and rejoice in the fact that Clarke’s bank account balance was $172 at the time of his death, and that whole amount has already been sent straight to Trump’s coffers.

And now, we know that everyone will ask the details of how their favorite cosplay sheriff died.

Sheriff Clarke accidentally shot himself in the balls while cleaning the barrel of his rifle and he succumbed to his injuries after EMTs valiantly attempted to save his life. Because he was a former sheriff, one might expect that he would have been well-versed in gun safety.

But one might also expect that someone who claimed to be a Democrat wouldn’t have supported impeached President Donald J. Trump so strongly.

A few former law enforcement officers who refused to give their names were seen snickering outside his home, after sharing the news that Clarke was found completely naked by EMTs.

Apparently his fetish for dressing up like a little toy soldier in public didn’t carry over to his home life, where he enjoyed stripping down to the way God made him and fondling his weapons every night.

On the night in question, he had consumed one more cosmopolitan than usual, and in his drunken state, he accidentally shot himself in the nuts. Medical Examiner Sandy Batt said,

“For a tall, manly man, Sheriff Clarke was remarkably drunk off two cosmopolitans. How odd that such a tough guy was done in by such a girly drink. And a shot to the nuts.”

All of his adorable little dress-up medals will be donated to a children’s theater company, where they will be used in a production of some kind of cops and robbers story. Won’t that be cute?

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