James Woods, Actor, Patriot, and Trump Supporter, Dead at 74

Roughly the same age as James Woods when he first began masturbating for fun and not just cheap bathroom grout material.

James Humphrey Terwilliger Woods, conservative icon, award-winning actor, and patriotic Trump supporter was found dead in his home last night at 74.

According to police reports, they haven’t ruled out foul play, though they can’t imagine who would want Mr. Woods dead. Lead detective Art Tubolls told us that this was one of the saddest cases he’s ever worked:

“To find such a great man slumped over like that was devastating. All I could think about was his portrayal of Roy Cohn, whom he shared so much in common with in real life.

“Mr. Woods is a national treasure, dead or alive.”

The coroner hasn’t released an official cause of death:

“We’re not quite sure what happened yet, and we don’t like to speculate.

“There is, however, growing evidence that Woods may have died of embarrasment after sharing an article from a liberal troll’s satire network that was both ridiculous and clearly disclaimered. And it wasn’t the first time.

It’s sad, but many of that generation seem to have the same issues. Woods is just…a tater. Like the rest of the Trump supporters over 65.”

The FBI has vowed to get involved if they can confirm that Woods was the victim of a hate crime, as long as his buddy Curt Schilling, who was also dumb enough to comment on the fake article, ends up dead, too.

Schilling’s agent says he’s not sure if Curt would go for it, since he’d have to die to collect, but that he’d be happy to do three somersaults for $50.

We’ll keep you updated on this developing story


About Flagg Eagleton 62 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.