James Comey Dies at Age 59

The truth is right in front of you

Former FBI Director James Comey died today after suffering from a long illness. His death comes with a twist — a bit of a surprise — if you will.

When he knew the end was near, after battling the disease known as “I Pretty Much Handed the Election to Donald Trump” since October of 2016, he made a deathbed confession.

“I must tell my tale, before my light goes out forever. I’m a righteous man, an honest man, a really tall man, and on some days, I see myself as almost a holy man. I made up that story about Hillary Clinton’s emails three weeks before the election to make sure Donald Trump would win the presidency. I’m a Republican, you see, and as such, I always put party before country, decency, and honesty. I want him to win again. In honor of Ronald Reagan, the best Republican ever…something something the Gipper MAGA Trump 2020.”

To the surprise of many, he left the bulk of his estate to the reelection campaign of impeached President Donald Trump.

This will no doubt confuse people on both sides of the political aisle. Democrats hated him when he pulled his Hillary-email stunt in October 2016, then they liked him when he started looking into the Trump-Russia collusion, then they took his side when Herr Gropenfuhrer fired him. (Well, some Democrats did. The majority know an opportunistic turd when they see one.)

On the other side, Republicans liked him for throwing the election to Trump, then loathed him for investigating their corrupt cult leader. Now, because there’s money involved, they’ll like him again. That’s how it works for Republicans.

Comey family spokesman Joe Barron confirmed that Mr. Comey had left the bulk of his wealth to the campaign to re-elect impeached President Trump.

“He died knowing he had to make amends to the Republicans, and this is his penance. He wants to be remembered forever as the one who helped elect Trump, and the one who helped re-elect him as well.”

May the country rest in peace.

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