Alan Jackson Dead at 69

end of an era

Unless you were living under a rock during the 1990s, you know who Alan Jackson was. His unique blend of honkey-tonk, country and pop led him to superstardom.  His songs “Midnight to Montgomery,” “Blumpkins Across America,” and “Chattahoochee,” amongst others, were international hits.

Plus, he had a pretty awesome mustache, from the standpoint of facial hair.

All of that came to a hilariously tragic end on Tuesday as Jackson, who loved driving his boat up and down the Chattahoochee River, died in a tragic boating accident. Officials haven’t released the cause of death yet, but local sources say Jackson was driving in excess of 70 knots, breaking the sound barrier and vaporizing within an instant.

What is more surprising, however, is that Jackson left his entire estate to the Joe Biden for President 2020 campaign fund. Long thought to be a Republican, Jackson actually was a die-hard democrat. Weirder things have happened, but this was definitely out of leftfield.

While no one close to the Jackson family could be reached for comment, local boat delivery driver and burrito enthusiast Joseph “Merkins for Peace” LaForm had this to say:

“Eh, fuggitaboutit, ya’know? That jack wagon had’it comin if yas ask me. I once sold em a boat and he didn’t pay me for firteen days. Yeah, firteen. It’s a Philly thing. Anywhosits, Imma huge fan of country an westerns, ya know, an even though Alan was a big jergoff to me, may he Rest In Peace. Fuggitaboutit.”

A memorial will be held on Saturday for Jackson in his hometown of Newnan, Georgia. His family is asking that anyone who attends to wear his favorite color, pink, and to continue protesting for racial equality, as Alan would have done.

Additionally, there will be a wienie roast after the service, as Jackson did love himself some wienies.

Lost, but not forgotten, we tip our hats to Alan Jackson. May he finally enjoy that oceanfront property in Arizona.

Wait, that’s George Strait. We mean, may he finally be able to hang with his friends in low places. Yeah. That’s the one.

About Blaine Pullcepper 1 Article
Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, hE’s sThiLl yEr pReZsDeNcE is made.

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