A wave of tearful sorrow passed over the small senior resort town of Los Blancos Viejos Tuesday evening, as beloved actor and Medicare-supplement pitchman Tom Selleck passed away in his personal home after a decade-long battle with toxic scalp poisoning. He was 54.
Selleck, who began his career in a Mexican homosexual theater group performing “The Erotic Adventuras Del Don Quixote”, moved quickly on to Hollywood. Hired for a Ford Pinto commercial at the age of 15, the young actor fell into a tragic life of drugs and alcohol, until his triumphant return to play smarmy detective Alfonse Magnum in the hit television drama: “Magnum P.I.” His fame spread into blockbuster hit films like “Quigly Down Under”, and “Runaway”, the latter a starring role with master thespian and oral gynecology professor Gene Simmons.
During his later years, Selleck starred in police procedural series “Blue Bloods”, which was viewed by thousands of men waiting in the car outside of fabric stores waiting for their wives to Jesus the Shit Christ, just pick out a tablecloth already. Rounding out his career, he appeared in dozens of commercials offering cheap insurance plans to seniors that unnecessarily charged them for coverage they wouldn’t ever use.
Selleck was an ardent supporter of the President, and through his lawyer Sandra Batt, left his entire 18.2 million dollar estate to the Trump 2020 campaign. Sources close to the actor’s family told the media that the star greatly admired the President’s twenty five word vocabulary and his bravery struggling with both dementia and PBIS, “Parade Balloon Inflation Syndrome”, the rare obesity disorder that Trump suffers in silence.
Services for the actor will be online only, by request of the quarantined family, and will take place on the “Pornstache ’85” MySpace page, a beloved hangout of the actor, at 4 p.m. on May 2nd.