Jerry ‘The Beaver’ Mathers Dead at 81 – Leaves Estate to Trump 2020 Campaign

GEE WHIZ.

For 71 years, he was known by the knickname : “The Beaver.”

Jerry Mathers, the actor who made us laugh, smile, and dream with his portrayal of the wholesome family-friendly “Beaver Cleaver” character in the classic television program “Leave It To Beaver,” has left our world and passed on to a better place, where technicolor will surely fill his monochrome soul.  Mathers, an ardent Trump-supporter, gun enthusiast, and outspoken racist left his entire fortune and estate to the President’s re-election campaign, to the tune of nearly 833 dollars.

Unfortunately, Jerry invested nearly all of his earnings on the career of 80’s one-hit-wonder, Aldo Nova.

Mathers was found by a family member after after allegedly attempting to follow an older friend, known only as “Eddie” up a large backyard tree to a treehouse.  The senior citizen slipped and fell, breaking his neck, shoulder, ass-bone, nine of ten toes, and shattering his fallopian tubes.  He is survived by his ex-wife and seventeen Persian cats.

Born to a blue-collar family in 1948, Gerald “Jerry” Mathers grew up in Iowa, a state where growing the biggest pumpkin in town could get your daughter engaged.  While walking home from school one day, a passing Hollywood talent scout spotted the youth as he stopped in the small town for a tryst with a local prostitute.  Offering the boy fifty cents to watch the door to the restroom of the Howard Johnson’s where porking occurred, he was taken with the youth’s work ethic, and had him greenlit to star in the upcoming program : “Kid Who Guards For Whoring”, which was later changed to the more popular title America became familiar with.

Beavers are often aggressive and voracious, like their namesakes.

Services for Mathers will be held at St. Mary’s Cathedral for the Shorn, which has historically served those named after synonyms for vagina.

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