Hollywood Legend James Woods Dead at 71

Hollywood legend and acting superstar, James Woods, has died at the tender age of 71. According to the family spokesman, Sandy Batt, Woods died surrounded by the people and things he loved:

“Julio Gustav Mendez, known better as James Woods to white people, spent his life in service to his country. On several occasions, Mr. Woods auditioned for roles playing really tough and patriotic military men, but his 5’11” frame didn’t really fit the bill. Instead, he played a string of sleazy-looking criminals and Roy Cohn, complete with drainage sacks, which was also his childhood nickname.

His brother, Norwegia, says he’ll be missed not only at family functions, but at the annual hobo beating contest on Venice Beach. ‘We’re gonna miss little Drainage Sack,’ said Norwegia, ‘He was a special kid.'”

Woods will be interred in the Northlawn Cemetery in Los Angeles next to his hero, Henry Winkler, on the same row as eternal badass Charles Bronson and just three stones away from Steve McQueen.

Donations in James Woods’ name can be made to the “No Amnesty for Rapists and Murderers” fund, formerly known as The Trump Foundation.

Rest in Peace, Jim. We will never forget you, your beautiful smile, or your drainage sacks.


About Flagg Eagleton 26 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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