Chuck Norris Dead at 74 – Coroner Says Cause of Death ‘Unknown’

Charles Xavier lLanthano Norris, martial arts master, actor, writer, and American patriot, is dead at 74. According to the Norris County Coroner, the cause of death can’t be determined without more testing and it looks “suspicious.”

Deputy Sherrif Art Tubolls, who stumbled on Norris’ body while sneaking into his upstairs bedroom, says he doesn’t have any idea what happened:

“It wasn’t a secret that I was seeing Sheryl, but Chuck…he wasn’t supposed to be home. He has a guy over on 7th he spends his Sunday nights with. This doesn’t make any sense.”

The State District Attorney says the case is being turned over to the FBI, as the only logical conclusion is that Norris was killed for his political leanings:

“Just last week Mr. Norris stated that he would back President Trump under any circumstance and that he was working with international authorities to help investigate the Clinton Foundation. This week he’s dead, killed by some strange method we can’t even identify.

Authorities believe that the death will be ruled a homicide after they figure out the method and motive. Apparently, in situations like this, they would commonly call the one guy who always figured it out. Chuck Norris.”

Norris leaves behind a beautiful wife and her boyfriend, a special friend of his own named Leo, and four beautiful children that may or may not be his. Most Americans will remember him for his best quality: Being the punchline to Chuck Norris jokes.

We’ll miss you, Ranger. God Bless You.

About Flagg Eagleton 62 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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