Conservative Star and Anti-Vaxxing Pioneer Jenny McCarthy Dead at 43

Jenny McCarthy, the brilliant theoretical homeopethist who started the anti-vaxxing movement, has died at 43. Her doctors say the beloved conservative icon, public speaker, sciencer, and mom died after a long bout with a disease described as “a little bit of lots of things, rolled up in toxic levels of mercury.” McCarthy’s agent and spokesman, Art Tubolls, told the New Yorker:

“Jenny wasn’t into junk science like other anti-vaxxers. She was determined to find out if she was right. After they discovered high levels of mercury in one vaccine that was given to like 11 people, she was the only one to figure out that it was the mercury in all vaccines causing autism, and that there was a huge conspiracy to conceal it. She was a brilliant sciencer and statitisticologist.”

When Jenny heard they had discontinued the vaccine, she decided the only way to adequately test the effects was to take live vaccines herself, adding a small amount of mercury to each. Ultimately, according to the coroner’s report, Jenny McCarthy’s cause of death is “acute, terminal autism caused by the onslaught of measles, mumps, rubella, whooping-cough, and pre-algebraic lepricocious ensophigitis.” Ultimately, her research killed her.

The other thing Jenny McCarthy’s research did was open some eyes. No longer will people sit idly by and allow their children to be injected with straight mercury or live vaccines combined with straight mercury…for some reason. They won’t allow innocent people like Jenny McCarthy to perform bizarre experiments that defy any form of logic or reason because solid internet research is now actually possible and we, the people are empowered!

Jenny didn’t die for nothing. We now know better than to allow vaccinated children into our homes or senior centers. They can’t be allowed to sell cookies for their troops or baked goods for their school and under no circumstances should you accept fresh basil from their gardens. Amen, patriots. God Bless Jenny McCarthy. And God Bless You.

About Flagg Eagleton 14 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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