Freedom Warrior Kim Davis Found Dead On Her Front Porch

For nearly a week in North Kentucky, Kim Davis, the famous Town Clerk who refused to allow the gays to marry, sat on her porch smiling at people walking and driving by. With a house set back from the street a ways, you couldn’t see her reaction or hear her, but you could see she was there, wearing the same green shirt she always wore.

It began to seem a bit odd, however, when she decided to stay out all night as well, considering the temperature drop. A concerned neighbor, Sandra Dee Batt, finally walked over to check on her, only to find she was frozen solid and most likely had been dead a week, judging by the mail and packages waiting.

When police arrived, they were able to answer the obvious questions. Davis had been murdered with a single gunshot wound to the top of her head. The .22 bullet would have never made it much past her neck, but would still end her both quickly and efficiently. The more difficult questions of who would do such a thing and why wasn’t the mailman more concerned with the frozen lady receiving packages are still a mystery.

Davis recently lost her re-election bid to liberal gay person, so police are also looking into what sexual debauchery may have gone on. Everyone knows that where gays are intimate there are usually porn studios nearby and pedophile rings on speed dial. Also, hamsters. Davis won’t have to worry about that, but surely the police should investigate.

Instead, they’ve come up with some cockamamie story about how Davis was probably killed by her 5th husband, who may have caught her cheating with either her 2nd or 4th husband late last week. That investigation is ongoing.

About Flagg Eagleton 62 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.


  1. You fucking idiot, You must be great at parties. It’s called “satire” maybe you’ve heard of it when you were little and went to school for a couple of days

  2. I appreciate good satire, even when it’s aimed at Conservatives, but this “article” isn’t clever at all.

  3. Yeah Heaven kind of takes what we speak with seriousness and the angels really dont know what satire and joking is, so they act on our words, brother, please be careful about putting this kind of stuff into the atmosphere it does way too much harm and really no good, if you are aware of this and doing it intentionally then my heavenly hosts will guard your words from harming other people.
    I am not a religious nut but one who loves God and humanity and have seen the effects all around the world.

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