BREAKING: President Trump Will Speak At Jon Voight’s Funeral

Jonthano Humphrey “Jon” Voight was born Jotham Meskfunklemeyer in 1946, shortly after his parents escaped the horrors of World War II. He grew up on the South Side of Boston, pretending he was Irish. After a short bout of theater and bisexuality in the early 1960s, Voight finally landed the role of a lifetime in Deliverance.

Once it was established that he could keep a secret after being fondled over coffee by Burt Reynolds, he became a Hollywood legend. President Trump, a close personal friend of the Voight family, said he will be honored to do the honor of honoring Jon Voight’s honor:

“Jon and I were more than golf buddies twice a year. He was more to me than one of three friendly handshakes in California. He meant so much more than his $225K a plate contributions. He died filming. Doing his own stunts. At what? 80 or something? He was amazing. Incredible person. I will deliver the most amazing yuleogy ever heard, I’ll guarantee you that.”

Voight died suddenly over the weekend while filming the series Ray Donovan for Showtime. Aside from being the only politically turded person on the set, he was also the only one brave enough to do his own stunts. According to stunt coordinator, Art Tubolls:

“Jon was in the middle of a simple stunt. All he had to do was sit in a wheelchair feeding ducks. The next thing you know…his head is on the other side of the pond. We still don’t really understand how it happened.”

The local Sheriff’s Department called the death unusual but said there was a likely explanation, being that it happened on a live set. With cameras everywhere. That would have presumably been filming.

Still, without answers, the President will trudge on and remember the life of this remarkable man.

About Flagg Eagleton 22 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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