Celebrating James Woods-He Loved his Country and his President

James Woods has left our earth far too early. At the ripe age of 76, Woods was just getting started. He was planning a new series with Jon Voight, Tim Allen, and Rush Limbaugh. They were gonna play four kooky guys who knocked over a liquor store. When he heard that Woods had passed late last night, Limbaugh said he would make the show happen in James Woods’ honor:

“The one thing James would have wanted was for the three of us left behind to continue with our contracts and get paid. The show itself is mediocre, especially without james, but we have a fiduciary obligation to honor the memory of this great man.”

Republicans across the country have been very supportive, donating what little remaining legal cash they have left to Trump’s re-election campaign in Woods’ name. Woods left a significant chunk of his own estate as well. According to his lawyer and former chemist, Art Tubolls:

“Mr. Woods has given 30 percent of his estate to the re-election efforts of President Trump. Considering his illustrious career and substantial net worth, it may not be perfectly legal, but we’ll work around that and make sure the money a man asked to spend as his dying wish gets spent the way he wanted it spent.”

Woods will be cremated and buried alongside his family pets by the stone wall in his mom’s yard in Mesa. “That’s where everything I love is. Put me there.” Woods never married and has no children. His grave will be unmarked, other than a stick that says “Jimmy” on it.

Woods’ mom died in 1970 and the house was sold, but the wall still runs through the property, which Woods bought from a family in 2008 when the economy crashed and they couldn’t afford to live there anymore. He gave them 40 cents on the dollar, which is far more than the bank would have given them. That’s the kind of man James Woods was.

Donations in James’ name can be made to any local shelter that euthanizes animals, as comforting them in their final moments was one of his favorite things to do. According to the local vet, he would come towards the end of the day and hold and comfort the animals slated for the needle, wanting to be there for them. He said he loved seeing “the life go from their eyes. Because that means they’re free.”

Such a great man has gone way too soon. Adios, Amigo! We’ll miss you.


About Flagg Eagleton 62 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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