Pat Robertson has been called home to the Lord at 95-years-old. The famous pastor and host of the 700 Club was beloved by generations of true Christians. The family is asking for privacy and have sent questions to their publicist to answer. According to what a spokesman for someone on the 700 Club’s auxiliary bake sale committee told TMZ:

“Pat left this world doing exactly what he wanted to do. Hookers and blow. When he learned he wouldn’t last a week, he decided to finally treat himself and find out what sin was like. Before he died, he woke from the bender and apologized, atoning and ensuring his spot in heaven, despite the manslaughter and drug convictions he would now be guilty of he survived it all. Robertson lived a life with nearly nothing, as televangelists go, and the Lord told him to do it.”

The firm sent proof that Robertson had acknowledged that the 3 redheads and one 18-year-old boy were there to satisfy a lifetime of curiosity. Robertson smothered the boy, unfortunately, but it was all sanctioned by Christ. The coroner says Robertson’s official cause of death is Red Bull and Xanax overdose, but that he suffered from terminal Dunning-Kruger Syndrome anyway.

Robertson’s attorney, Art Tubolls, confirms that Robertson was adamant about making sure his entire state went to the less fortunate:

“Mr. Robertson understood what it was like to be less fortunate, ranking just 7th all-time in net worth as a Christian Televangelist. He has, therefore, left his entire estate to Joel Osteen, who will become the 2nd wealthiest Christian of all time next to the sitting Pope. That is how Christians address wealth inequality. Mr. Osteen will now be able to buy an even bigger cross for his church so more of the poor can see the light of the lord from the giant revolving halogen spotlight.”

Robertson will be cryogenically frozen and sent into space with Walt Disney.


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