Chris Wallace reportedly died of natural causes on Wednesday, but authorities now believe he may have committed suicide. The police said he looked peaceful and had just put on a pot of water for some Swiss Miss, which is what made them believe there was no foul play.
Further review found that he had likely swallowed a few dozen Vicodan and possibly stabbed himself in the neck with an icepick. “We’re not real sure how the guys on the scene missed that,” said coroner Joe Barron, “there had to be some blood.”
Investigators on the scene said there were trace amounts of blood but that Wallace’s cat, Mr. Finkelstinker, probably lapped most of it up before cops got there. “He didn’t seem very hungry when he came in,” said Barron, answering the question asked by Men in Black fans for decades. Yes, the cat does travel with the body.
There was also apparently a fairly lengthy note on Wallace’s computer monitor when he died, but the tech thought the system was frozen and turned it off for 30 seconds. The forensics team in North Los Mastabarachabra, Vermont has zero awards for outstanding performance to date.
Wallace’s other cats have asked for privacy during this difficult time.
