George Soros, the socialist communist Marxist fake philanthropist, has retired, and his son Alex is taking over the evil family empire. With the old man out of the way, a true patriot would refocus the foundation’s mission on good ol’ American values, like destroying the environment, making sure schools suck, and keeping people unhealthy and poor.

But ol’ man George put his son Alex in charge, and he’s truly a chip off the old communist block. He has vowed to use his father’s billions to buy and then dismantle as many conservative companies as possible.

This will make the little right wing tantrums about rainbows and beer cans look like a Sunday walk in the park.

The younger Soros said, “I’m going to start by buying Chick-Fil-A, forcing it to open on Sundays, and making it turn vegetarian.” After the changes are made, he’s then planning to sell it to a non-profit chicken rescue organization, which will provide loving homes for the millions of birds that will no longer make their way to the deep fryer.

When reached for comment, Jim Bob Nutsack, the owner and CEO of Chick-Fil-A, swore to fight the infidels, keep frying poor quality chicken, and continue discriminating against non-Christians. Amen.

Next on the younger Soros’ target list: Hobby Lobby. His to-do list at Hobby Lobby starts off with forcing them to provide birth control to their employees who want it. Because why the hell should an employer tell an employee that her birth control pills aren’t covered by insurance? Soros will sell all Hobby Lobby stores to the retail subsidiary of Black Lives Matter. Because that makes sense.

Chief Scrapbooker and CEO of Hobby Lobby, Mary Margaret Chastity, pursed her lips and cried out, “All lives matter!” as she fainted when she heard the news.



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